16 June 2008
Timecheck: 12:01 AM

I've always yearned for a mum who could understand you , whom you can confide in , give you advice and support when you need it . I always envied those people whose parents are open enough to approve of you having a r/s , and always be behind you no matter what happens . Afterall , they are my parents and I believe all parents love their kids . So why is it they can't be there to guide and support since as parents , they'd definitely been through much more . Instead of just nipping the situation in the bud , and not even explaining why or something . To put it in a nicer term , too much protection (in my case) will make me very "unworld-smart" . It makes me picture the world as such a safe and straightforward thing when everything isn't at all .

I've tried , umpteen times . Yet time and time again , I get disappointed and upset instead . I'm tired , I'm nv gna try again . I won't ever confide in you , never again . Thinking that you'd understand , I'd still share with you as time closes that unhappy wound of mine . And the next moment you'll be turning around , stabbing me in the back and shooting me . I just can't understand this . Maybe you couldn't see this . But I told you the truth , solid truth . Because I trusted you . We both want trust in each other . But instead of understanding (I would expect some reprimanding too anyw) you just started to rant your head off , making everything turn ugly .

You complained that I'd always come home late . This week , I came home late 3 times in a week . You're unhappy . Isn't there improvement ? Compared to all of the previous times . You have to give me time . It's not hard but it's a "habit" to kick . Anyw , I'm gna prove it to you that I won't be late (since now B is overseas anyw) and I will (try to) sleep on time damnit . Instead of rebelling , have you wondered why I ain't ? It's bloody easy to turn bad . I always feel that this is the case : For you've never had a super rebellious child , you can't seem to appreciate me nor my brother . It's wrong to compare but if you ever gave it some thought . We are alr v non-rebellious . Ugh ..

Whatever you're saying now , doing now . Is not new . It's something I've been through . This scenario rings a bell , reminding me of the situation I was made to face in Sec 3 . Anyw , my freedom is definitely gna be damn restricted . I can predict and expect all things dear to me might be gone anytime . Maybe I won't even have a hp in time to come . But whatever the case , I know I'm stronger . I managed to cry less - for today at least . Managed to control more . I'm trying v hard to control my tears alr . Though when speaking about it , I'd still breakdown and start crying .

Sorry Singyee I couldn't go your house as planned . I know that if I were to go , I'd end up crying a hell lot and coming back with swollen eyes . Maybe it's good in some sense . I went home to print out my crap research , which deterred my thoughts for awhile . But I'm still very teary and able to cry very easily for today . I'll be v upset , mad at the things she said . But I'm glad I still have my friends who are there . Thkq my dearest B , Singyee , Christine , Von & Jrui .

Even if I were to lose my freedom , I'll try my best to stay positive . I will straighten my thoughts out and plan properly , in hope of trying to make whatever I'm facing now better . What's done cannot be undone . So I might as well make the best of it . It's v easy to get all negative and upset when faced with obstacles . But I've decided to try another way , which is to fight it through . I may stumble at times , but with support from my dear friends I know I can and I will make it through . Love you guys many many XOXO .

For a moment , it seemed like it wasn't me typing this . Normally when I'm so upset and fucked up ........... I'd probably just type some super short angry post and that's it . And upon posting this , I just realised this post is bloody long -_- Oh well . Let's see how long I can keep up with this "plan" I've made . Gdnite y' all .