12 April 2011
Timecheck: 1:50 AM

Right now , my mind & heart is in a mess . It rly is . My mind hurts from all th thinking that I should have done long time ago . There's too much to say , too much insecurities in me that's overwhelming me so much so that I cannot feel happy . I am pressured by many things at this v point in time , making my life a complete mess . A wreck , like a sinking ship that is impossible to save . I can't tell when somebody will come & find me , to lend a helping hand to save myself from drowning in my own mess .

I have officially hit rock bottom , so much for a fresh graduate from a polytechnic . Ironic isn't it ? Right now , reasons to die supersede my reasons to live . Anytime . As if I hadn't spammed my private twitter enough , I came here to my forsaken blog to post my thoughts . Which can be seen by th public . Yet again , I am speaking from th bottom of my heart , making this an essay . With not-so intricate details as to what's bothering me . But it's killing me . It's that bad that I can just send a text , & everything that has been built up th past years will just come crashing down upon me . & I know I will NEVER heal . Th only way to heal , is to erase my entire memory of this person .

Why am I even considering doing so ? At this point in time , my thinking is unstable . I'm not angry , I ain't speaking when I'm angry as I know it's just all hurtful & spiteful words hurled out . I'm just voicing out things , that will make me tear as I type . I am THIS emotional , THIS over-sensitive . But somehow , after so long .. Suddenly I feel I don't belong . Not one bit . & it's tearing my heart apart to say this . I'm holding back my tears . Crying in silence is painful . Not that I've not done it before . But it just makes th pain double .

I could really just d.i.e now .

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I didn't come to this blog of mine to share thoughts only to let you use them against me , to use them & judge me . Even before you try to understand me . It's quite .. Sad . That somehow my main aim of blogging backfired . I meant to let you know how I felt , so you'd probe to find out more . Turns out it only became a base or judgement & criticism to be made against me .

Right now I'm feeling alone & lonely . Things .. Aren't rly picking up . Or when I think it is , shit happens . Little things can affect me so much , it's only obvious enough that you don't see that . Great , just great . I don't wna sound so pathetic everytime I blog but right now , I just have no good news to share . Plz go on & view me as a girl w/o confidence & in th dumps . Srsly .. Continue to judge me . How others look at me YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK ? Hell no , I'd just say "that's your fucking opinion & you don't matter to me neither do your comments so just get off my back" .

From feeling melancholic hence me blogging is just turning me angsty . It all boils down to 1 line for today . Which is ; your actions deem how much I mattered . Thanks for th wake up call . I still wish you'd prove me wrong . Maybe I shouldn't be so forgiving . But life's short riiiiiiight ? What a weakness literally .

Back to my novel for it's where my wild imagination comes to life & I feel like I'm in th story . Goodbye for now .