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12 July 2010 Timecheck: 3:23 AM I really need to rant . My heart is fricking heavy . I'm feeling fucking pessimistic right now . And there are so many "WHAT IFs" in my head . I wish I had the answers to what I feel , I wish someone would come tell me that I'm living my life correctly/incorrectly , that what I'm doing is what's best for me . But th trouble is that nobody ever knows , it's like we're always on this route to unexpected outcomes . I wish I knew ..... I feel so insecure , so unwanted , so disappointed , so tired . 15 more days to end of internship , I really am looking forward to it . So I can finish up my portfolio & get my well deserved rest before heading back to school . Not intending to head back to Canele & work part-time yet . I have so much to complain when I'm in this cui phase . I feel fat and fugly . I wnabe skinny , I wna be loved , I wna be pretty , I wna have money & all th time in th world to do whatever shit I want . I wna go shopping . I hate my old clothes . But at th same time , I cbb (cannot be bothered) to dress up - well if you know my stuff you'd probably know why too .. I have so many wants , right now I'm in this DOWN phase so don't come tell me "Hey be thankful for what you have" yeah right fuck you . Like Idk that bitches .  My grandma is currently staying at my place , looking after her is my #1 priority , need her to recover asap so she won't be in such a state . Hate seeing th way she forces th medicine down her throat , hate th way she needs so much effort to walk . But I'm relieved & proud that she's tough , she's walking fucking well w/o any help . I enjoy seeing her hug my fat purple carebear to sleep , even when she tosses and turns th carebear is still in her arms .I can't believe as I type this whole shitload of junk (emotional mess script) I am tearing . This is probably th most crappiest post with everything bombarding & probably th 1st time I write so much & what I feel . I don't like to air my laundry in public esp on my blog . But I guess . It doesn't really matter cuz this space is dead & I've no tagboard so nyeah nyeah nyeah you can't comment . IN A NUTSHELL (Summary) ........... I feel fat , fugly , unhappy , confused & many more . In a fucking emotional mess right now . Somebody be my guiding star please .. I can only wish hard that I'll find my direction soon . |
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